I am almost 10 weeks pregnant as I write this. I usually show early and I already have a belly. My girls have been really excited for another baby brother or sister and so have Theo and I. We fully believe what the Bible says about children...that they are a blessing, an inheritance from Him, and a reward. We are happy and excited over every pregnancy and it is never a curse or punishment, as some may believe. In His kindness, He blesses with a child.
A few weeks ago, I got some strong cramps and was not feeling good. I went to the doctor and he told me that my baby had stopped growing and had no heartbeat. I was advised to go right away for a D & C. I was brokenhearted. I also can't tell if I fell into denial of it all, or if I rose up with faith and hope that the doctor was wrong and my baby was fine....that he misread the ultrasound. I went home, spoke with Theo and we prayed. We decided to wait and not have the D & C that day as the doctor was recommending. As I waited and prayed, my body felt pretty ok. I felt pregnant. Nothing abnormal was happening, and I found a website dedicated to misdiagnosed miscarriages. Most of the stories were exactly like mine and their babies were perfectly healthy, which made my denial/hope that the dr was wrong even stronger!
We became convinced that our baby was healthy and because of my tilted uterus and the abdominal ultrasound that they used {rather than the trans-vaginal ultrasound which is what they usually use in first trimester pregnancy} that he just missed it. He was surely wrong.
We decided to wait another week or 2 to let the baby get bigger before we went to a new doctor to 'confirm' that our baby was actually nice and strong. It's interesting timing, all of this, because it's Mother's Day weekend. This week was Mother's Day here in Mexico, and tomorrow is Mother's Day in the states. Finally, we decided enough time had passed to get checked out and we made an appointment for Friday {yesterday}.
My mind was going crazy thinking that the doctor was either wrong or right. I was praying often asking the Lord to show me what was happening. Meantime thinking how my friends must think I was loosing my mind to not just believe the doctor. But I knew God wanted to do something good for my soul.
Tuesday early morning, I had a dream. In my dream, my friend Evelyn was in front of me, and was helping me deliver my baby. I had a beautiful baby girl. She looked exactly like her sisters....a little tan with white/blonde peach fuzz! And she was asleep....just a precious baby. I gave her to my friend Evelyn to hold. Then, there was a funky twist. I thought I was having another baby...but it was a baby bird! I held the baby bird in my hand and she quickly grew bright blue feathers all around. Then she grew a little bigger and her feathers were longer and even more beautiful. Then, she flew off my hand and onto Theo's shoulder. And my dream ended.
I was excited because I knew the dream was from God, but I was trying to understand it. I hadn't spoken with that friend Evelyn in a long time and was wondering why she was in the dream...and what the little blue bird represented. Finally, we decided to look up the meaning of the name Evelyn, and it means LIFE.
We were excited and even more sure that our baby was alive and now thinking it was another girl! YAY!
So yesterday as we went into the doctor's office, my stomach was in knots. I was fine the entire day until it was time to go, then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had major anxiety! Theo was with me and he prayed over me and was making me laugh to help me be calm. As the ultrasound began, my eyes were searching the screen....looking for what I was sure I would see. I've looked at an ultrasound screen many times, so I knew what I was looking for. We saw the baby sac and the doctor showed us the placenta. He also showed us the baby. Baby was very small and not up to size to my gestational time...the sac and placenta were, but not the baby, and there was no heart beat.
I was surprised that my first emotion wasn't saddness, but anger. I was just mad, because I had believed that baby was doing well! The doctor explained to me how the baby's chromosomes are supposed to line up and connect and if they don't align and connect properly, it results in down syndrome or many other issues. Usually, the body will stop the development naturally and you'll miscarry, or sometimes the pregnancy will continue and you'll have the baby. Immediately, the thought came to my mind, that it wasn't just my body but God, who stopped the progression of this pregnancy.
On the car ride home, I began remembering how over the last few weeks I had come across several stories of mother's with children with special needs. Many women who were brave and loving and even when they learned of their sick baby during pregnancy, they were courageous and didn't abort their baby. I was so proud of those women and have always known that we would never abort a baby either. But I was also thinking of how tough it would be to have a special needs baby...especially for me, already having 3 very young kids. My thought was, well the Lord gives the grace to those who need it, and it is sufficient for whatever situation He allows.
I remembered looking back after leaving the ultrasound room and seeing the doctor and his nurse looking at and discussing my scan. I heard him say something about the shape of the baby sac too. I wondered if he could tell that things weren't forming right, besides just the baby being small.
Then I realized that I shouldn't be mad at God for allowing this to happen, because I know that in this life, sickness and death happen. But instead I should be thankful that though we live in a fallen and death filled world, He had mercy on us. He knew that we would never abort, but welcome our baby no matter how hard and tiring the situation might be. And in His sovereignty He chose to take this baby to care for it Himself.
Just as in my dream, our baby was alive and was with the Father! {She} was also beautiful and healthy now, where if she would've been born to us, she may have been sick and weak. With a corrected perspective of the situation, my heart came alive again. I realized God's kindness and goodness. I recognized that His will is sometimes to give the blessing of a baby {whether fully healthy, or with difficulties}, and sometimes His will is to take those precious babies to care for Himself. Either way, God is good and we're right to declare so.
When I asked God to speak to me through His Word about this, I came to Psalm 96: 4-6
"Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! He is to be feared above all gods. The gods of other nations are mere idols, but the Lord made the heavens! Honor and majesty surround him; strength and beauty fill his sanctuary."
What my baby and millions of babies are experiencing this very moment, is absolutely amazing! They are currently with the living God and are experiencing honor, majesty, strength and beauty! Not to mention they're full of health and happiness! Can we not see how awesome God is?! Talk about truly taking care of His children! What a great Father we have!
After the doctor's appointment, I started thinking of Job {from the Bible}, and how God and Satan were testing him. How difficult his life became because although we have freedom of choice, God trusted and tested that Job would never choose to curse Him for all the difficulty. Satan obviously wanted Job to curse God for it all. But Job never did. He blessed and praised God and continued to declare that God is good! I became so encouraged by Job's example! He knew that no matter what, God remains good to those who love him! And I definitely love him. So I began to say out loud, 'God, you are good!' And it was so right.
I also began recognizing that so many others have gone through this situation, and worse! I recognized how He's blessed me with a wonderful husband and 3 healthy daughters. I recognized how He's blessed us with a good life. I have so much to be thankful for, that I sadness can't stay for very long! Thank you Jesus!
We pulled up to our friend's house after our appointment to pick up our 3 treasures, Stella, Naya and Olivia. I was still a little weepy from the roller coaster of emotions, so Theo went in alone to get the girls. I stayed in the car and looked over at the house next door. It was bright and yellow and for the first time, I noticed that in front of the entry way they had a single blue bird sitting on a hanging perch. I couldn't help but smile see that God was reminding me again of my beautiful and healthy baby that was with Him.
Tomorrow I get to celebrate Mother's Day, and think of all 4 babies He's given me. The kindness of God to bless us 4 times with such gifts is amazing and I'm so thankful. I may be more thankful than any other Mother's Day yet. And, whats more than all of that, I realize that without Jesus I would not have access to relationship with the Father, the Creator who is the giver of Life. In a matter of about 10 weeks, He has given and taken away... He is good and we are happy.
My hope is that for those who know God, to remember His goodness to you. Recognize Him, and His mercy over your life. Be thankful, praise Him and know that He is always good.
For those who don't yet know God. Pray and ask to know Him. Only in this way could you ever have peace, joy and true life. Only by knowing Jesus, can you be sure of anything. Only by having the spirit of the Messiah living within you can you have HOPE and HAPPINESS no matter what circumstances life brings. You may be shaken, but you will not fall. Life without Jesus can only offer us death. Jesus loves us and wishes that none would die due to rejecting Him. So choose Him, and LIVE!
I have felt the struggle of my flesh pulling and wanting me to feel sorrowful, sad and depressed. But by the grace and mercy of God, I've also felt Him reminding me of His goodness, the Hope he has given me, and the Joy I can and do have. What a miracle. What a tender and loving God I serve. He has compassion on His children and takes such good care of us.
I have been willing to hear Him and accept what He is doing in my life and give Him glory the whole way through. And now I'm blessed to know Him in a new way. I'm personally experiencing His compassion and love like I never have before. He has pulled me out of a muddy pit that wanted to swallow me up and put me in a dark place mentally and emotionally. He has placed me on solid ground where there is LIGHT and LIFE, and my heart and mind are alive and at peace.
Thank you sweet Jesus for your way of tenderness and Love. Thank you for being the best Physician, Friend, and the Lover of my soul. I see how you love me. Thank you for the cross of Salvation, and thank you for today. You are good.
*We have explained to the girls that the baby is now with the Father in heaven. Stella was sad for a moment than got so excited that she'll get to see {her} one day and she's happy and healthy now!
Thank you so much to our friends who have prayed for us...we believe that your prayers for us have helped us get that corrected perspective of the situation!
Love and Blessings to you all...
Theo, Melissa, Stella, Naya, Olivia and happy baby in heaven!
"Then when our bodies have been transformed to bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
'Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?'
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin it's power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."
1 Corinthians 15:54-58
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