Monday, February 17, 2014

Is it possible to change your destiny?

As I type, I'm humbled that God gives me another breath to live. He owes me nothing. Yet He loves me. Loves me enough to continue to give me life. And a great life, at that. So what's this about changing your destiny? Well, about a year ago, while we were still living in Ensenada, I went through this incredible experience with the Lord. Basically, I had this long and lingering feeling deep down on the inside of my being that something bad, death to be exact, was looming. I felt like the heaviness of me passing away was about to become a reality and I couldn't shake it. I'm not talking about depression. I wasn't depressed. I was really happy and joyful actually. But it was unimaginably difficult to endure. I looked at my amazing husband and my beautiful girls and thought, this is just horrible think about, but I can't not think about it! It's not like it was just constant thoughts in my mind, but more of this inner reality of what was about to take place and there was nothing I could do about it. I told my husband a few times about it as I would just burst into tears, and he would pray with me.

Then, as I cried out to the Lord consistently...He revealed things to me that I would've never thought related to this gloomy feeling on the inside. God showed me I was lazy. Yes, lazy. I thought, ok....well, that's definitely something to repent of and turn from. But I never knew what the Bible says about a lazy person. See Proverbs 21:25 and 18:9. There was a clear explanation for what I was going through and as soon as God opened my eyes to my deficiency in this area and I REPENTED sincerely of that, things incredibly changed. Truly, my mind and heart were set free and things were different. I never again had those 'impending doom' anxieties. You can go back and read my post on that titled, "I've been delivered from Death!"

Well, recently for about 3 days, the thoughts were back. I was really feeling like something was up again. I felt like my heart was stirring deep down and to prepare {however you can!?} to experience death. My death to be exact. What a difficult, to say the least, thing to try to wrap your mind around. How do you prepare your heart for this? Lord, My husband and kids....I love them so much and as much as I genuinely can't wait to meet You face to face, I'm not ready to leave them yet. I want to be here to raise them and teach them Your ways. I want to be partnered with my husband in this life live for your glory....together. I don't want to leave these girls motherless, and leave Theo a widower. Father in heaven, Help! I don't know what this is, but it's just too much to bear.

On February 9th, I wrote this...

"I feel like something is brewing. Not sure what, but I want to be ready. If it is about my death, I KNOW it's my good God's will. His timing. His way. It's His mercy, and love, though it may hurt. We are surrendered to our Father's will and we know Him to be so loving and faithful. Death sucks, but everyone passes from these bodies. Everyone has a turn.

I know that although I want to live a long and fruitful life with my husband and kids, I also want my bodily death to glorify God and release power for the praise of Jesus. I don't just want it to be another sad death, which of course it would be sad. But for it to be clear for me, and those who know me to truly celebrate my joining and meeting my King face to face, more than mourning my passing away.

I pray that my daughters will be fully, 100% convinced and filled with total faith to live for and choose The Way of the Gospel all their the time it's my turn to go. I pray that all of the godly influence and love I can pour into them will be had before I go.

I pray for the hearts. Mine in particular. My hand trembles as I write this. That my thoughts would be at peace. That my earthly love, Theo, would be kept at peace and strengthened in Christ. That all our friends in the Body would support him and the girls with every ounce of prayer, hugs, tears, joy and remembrance in the Word that we'll all be together again one day. In Paradise at that.

1 Corinthians 15:50 says- 'What I am saying dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever.'

Then verse 55 says ' O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?'"

After writing all of that, I had this thought that seemed to come from nowhere, but it really came from Heaven. I continued to write....

"The thing is.....Ephesians 6:2 says 'Honor your father and mother.' This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, things will go well for you and you will have a long life on the earth.'

And so I wonder how that plays into my life?.... For a long time I didn't exactly honor my mom and dad, but now I do. And I want to. And I believe God's promises."

That night, I repented to the Lord for not honoring my parents then I got on Facebook and sent my mom a public message honoring her virtues and telling of how thankful I am and how much I love her. I believe 100% that God let me feel the tangible weight of NOT honoring my father and mother in order to bring me to that point of true repentance about that. And when I felt it, it hurt. And I could sense the darkness of the consequence of that sin. And when I acknowledged it and repented of it, literal Life came into my heart. I also felt the weight of being kinder to my daughters especially in disciplining them, so that they in turn could honor me and live long lives! I thought of
Colossians 3:21 that says "Parents, don't provoke your children in a way that ends up discouraging them." There are others along those same lines. But I realized that if I'm too hard on my kids, I'm just making it harder for them to truly honor Theo and I.

The next day, Feb. 10th, I wrote again...

"I feel a tangible change in my heart and mind from last night. I feel the importance of honoring my father and mother and to turn up the kindness and love for everyone around me. Especially my kids. I feel literal PEACE. Thank You Lord!"

Since that day, I haven't had those out of nowhere thoughts and deep feelings of impending death. I have felt life. Truly... I feel so ALIVE. I believe the Lord once again let me see the weightiness of a sin that I was not clearly seeing in my own life. Both the laziness last year, at almost the exact same time of the year, and the lack of honor to my parents, were not these blatant or really outward issues. I didn't sit around all day and do nothing or cuss out my parents, or anything so dramatic. But on the inside I was definitely a lazy person with excuses. Being a mom of 3 young kids I was clearly tired. But then the legitimate tiredness would blend into the laziness and I couldn't tell whether I was just tired and needed to rest, or just being lazy! The Lord so kindly showed me what it was. And now again, I got to see that God really truly cares about the command to actually honor our fathers and mothers.

If any of you are struggling with anxiety or fear, or any other thing, PRAY. Ask our good and gracious Father to show you what's up! Only in the true understanding and weight of our darkness will we repent and be set free. Jesus took our sin to the cross and we were crucified with Him there. Let's not continue to sin. Let's be ever so repentant for the darkness that looms inside our hearts and minds. We still totally need renewed minds people! He's given us His Word AND His Spirit to guide us!  He is so worthy of our repentance and love and devotion. He gives such freedom, here and now. Not only in our eternal destiny. But He WILL change things in your life on this earth if you seek Him and ask for Light in the deepest parts of your heart. Praise God!